Big decisions ahead...

So I feel like I need to blog tonight, there has been a lot going on in life... I have certain feelings that I need to put down so that I can always remember them. As most of you know the last few years have been challenging for me. Most of those challenges were brought on because of the decisions I had made and the paths that I had chose to go down. A year ago I was planning a wedding for myself and Wes, a few days before the wedding he called it off and told me he couldn't go through with it. I was devastated and for months I had a hard time figuring out what my life was going to be like. I spent a long time feeling sorry for myself and wondering "what if" on many things, I dwelt on what was supposed to be rather than what my life was. I still hurt sometimes but after tonight I now see why things happen the way they did. I can't say that I thank Wes yet, I still miss my best friend, but I know that the Lord had a greater calling for me at this time in my life. I have decided to go serve the Lord and serve a mission. I have a lot of preparing and praying to do but for the first time in a long time I feel like this is right. I haven't felt this feeling in a long time. I blame President Johnson for putting the thought of a mission into my head, but I am very grateful for him planting the seed. I have been thinking about this for a few weeks now and I tried to talk myself out of it feeling right... I met with Bishop Olson tonight, I didn't tell him what I wanted to meet with him about but when I sat down with him he started asking me about my family, if I was dating, what I had been up to in the previous months before I had moved back to Cottonwood. He then asked me if I knew why he wanted to meet with me, baffled because I scheduled the appointment I told him I didn't know but I had some reasons as to why I had wanted to meet with him. I then thought, "he's going to give me a calling," not that that would be a bad thing, but I really wanted to focus on talking about a mission. He proceeded to tell me that when he heard and saw that I was moving back he had an overwhelming feeling to talk to me about serving a mission. Right away I cried, I bawled like a baby but I know without a shadow of a doubt that Bishop Olson is called of God and he knows the things I needed to hear tonight. I know that for a while there I was on the wrong path but I am so excited to take my experiences out there and share my testimony with those who are willing to hear it. I am so excited for this chapter in my life, it's a chapter I never saw coming but I know that this is what my Heavenly Father wants me to do right now. I love you all and am so grateful for all the great examples I have in my life. I have a lot of big decisions to make in the following months but I am excited for the challenge!!

Tons of fun

These last couple months have been interesting, I moved to Snowflake and recently finished all my testing to become a 911 dispatcher... It was a lot of work but well worth it, so hopefully they have a position open up sooner rather than later. Since I have been here I started kind of seeing a guy, I don't want to say much about it right now because things are still up in the air with us... All you need to know is he is amazing and treats me like a princess.

This last week has been somewhat of a challenge for me... Wednesday I had my last round of testing, which always seems to stress me out more than I like to admit. I was on my to Holbrook and my stomach was in knots and doing flips, I thought I was going to lose it. I had to take a CVST (controlled voice stress analysis test) which is kind of like a lie detector test. They had me fill out 192 yes and no questions about my life like if I have ever used drugs or what is the worst crime I have ever committed and didn't get caught. They ask you some pretty personal things and I thought that was it... I was wrong, then they hook a microphone up to you and ask you 19 questions and from what the guy says when you lie your vocal cords send out a different pitch that you can't hear. I did pass, thank goodness, I didn't have anything to lie about but it was scary... So, overall could have been a really bad day but turned out pretty good because I passed my test... Then Thursday morning I wake up and I'm freezing, like down to the bone... I put a second comforter on and I still can't seem to warm up, on top of it I hurt everywhere!! Every muscle in my body aches and one side of my throat hurts. I slept the majority of the day, no joke, I woke up to take a shower and went right back to sleep. Over night, I had full on strep. I ended up going to the hospital for it because my tonsils were so swollen I couldn't eat. I sent Mom a picture of my tonsils (which I would totally post, but it's extremely nasty) she called me and told me I needed to go to the hospital. Tara said the same thing... So off to Showlow I went, three and a half hours later I was pumped full of 2 liters of IV fluids, antibiotics, steroids and pain medication. I felt worse when I left than when I went in... Yesterday, the swelling went down tremendously, I was ready to go hiking (no, not really) and today not so much... They're swollen again, not too bad but they hurt and I'm exhausted!! I am continuing to take the medication they prescribed me but I want to feel better today. The doctor who saw me asked me how I was breathing when I went in... I looked at her and said, "Very carefully". I think I stumped them, but they all looked at me like I had some weird disease and I should be quarantined... For now, I am taking it easy, sleeping a ton and lounging around. I haven't done my hair in days, I'm kind of diggin' it... Haha... That's the update on my life!! It's a good time, I miss my family and friends like crazy!! Love you guys!!

Gratitude

Hola!! It's been quite a while since I was on here last, I'm a slacker I know, but nothing exciting ever happens!! I just wanted to take some time out of my day (as I sit here bored at work) to tell everyone that reads this how grateful I am for you. I had the opportunity to give a talk in church on counting your blessings. The entire week I thought about what I was going to get up and say, it made me really nervous to be honest... When I heard the topic I thought to myself, "Self!!" (that was for you mom and tara), no but really I thought that it was going to be super easy to come up with stuff for that subject. But alas, it was not... I started to think about the things that were the most important to me in my life and the two that popped into my head time and time again was family and the gospel. I had a discussion with a friend of mine out here in Tucson and she made a good point, it's so easy to say that we're grateful for family and the gospel, but why? It really got me thinking, there is a deeper meaning to it... So family and friends that read this I am grateful for you... For being there for me this past year, picking me up when I stumbled and fell along the way and for lending shoulders to cry on and hands when I needed them. Thank you so much for not judging me for the choices I made and for the road I went down. I realized just how lucky I am to have you all in my life, I know that when nothing else seems right in the world that I have amazing people that I can call on and know that they will be there for me. Not every one has that and I hope that in return that you all feel like you can call on me when you need it. I have realized that my life isn't so bad, I had a couple bumps in the road but I'm still alive and happy. I love the holiday season, I love to watch people come together and be harmonious... I have an amazing life and even more amazing people in it... I love you all, thank you so much for being there for me.

Struggling

So, I thought I would post tonight... I'm struggling really bad tonight! In my previous post I mentioned that I had my good days and bad days, too... Unfortunately, tonight is one of those bad ones. I know that time heals all wounds, but I am going to be completely honest I don't know if this wound will ever heal... I know that my relationship with Wes didn't work for a reason but there is still a part of me that yearns for that companionship in him again, to be able to have my best friend back... There are a lot of people out there that will say he wasn't a good guy, but I saw past those "flaws" and loved him despite of them... He was a good man and yes there were some things that happened that weren't good but that didn't make him a bad guy... Tonight is one of those nights that I want things to be the way they were a year ago, I want to be able to come home to him and look forward to something... This too shall pass, I know it's just a hard road.

Blessings in disguise...

So there have been a lot of changes going on in my life the last couple months... First my wedding got called off (not once, but twice), I moved twice, have been looking for a job and a car and a few other things... I was really depressed and lonely all the time. All I really wanted was for things to be the way they were a year ago, I wanted to be married to the man I loved more than anything... I wanted to be moving to Idaho with him and experiencing all those things that we had planned together... Right now, my life motto is, "life is never what you expect it to be." I felt like I had it all figured out there for a while, I found someone that I thought I was in love with and was making life plans with him... I recently moved to Tucson with my Mom and Step-Dad and I can honestly say that the move was hard at first but I have learned to move on... I still have my bad days but they are few and far between. I still cry sometimes when I think back to the way things were, but I'm learning that those tears aren't worth it anymore. I have started to discover who I am again, I have learned to focus on myself and not on someone who doesn't appreciate me for me... I'm starting to be back to my old self, with some changes too!! I went to the singles ward institute on Wednesday night and we were talking about love and lust and the differences between the two. The teacher was referencing a talk from the Ensign and there was one particular part that really stood out to me, "sometimes lust is mistaken for true love." I realized that this is so true. Don't get me wrong, I loved Wes and still do but I look back on our relationship and we had absolutely nothing in common and couldn't for the life of us get along or agree on anything. I just hope that the next time I put myself out there for another man that it is true love and that he will love me for me and not try to change me because there is something that he may not like. When you love someone you love them for who they are and even those things that drive you a little bonkers you still love those quirks about them. I can't wait to find that someone out there, I know he's waiting for me just as I am waiting for him... Until then!!

Update...

So life took me down a completely different road than I ever thought I would go down... Wes and I called the wedding off 5 days before. Things have been rough the last month. I keep thinking to myself I had it all figured out and everything seemed to be going as planned, I learned some really big lessons through all of this. Life throws you curve balls sometimes and you find that you weren't necessarily prepared for them. I have to say that it hasn't been easy trying to move on and at times I catch myself hoping that maybe something drastic will happen and things will be completely different. I have never felt the type of hurt I have experienced with this situation before and I will be honest I wouldn't wish the hurt and pain even on my worst enemy. There have been times that I've felt like it would be easier to just give up on everything and curl up in a ball and hide. But, from all this I have also learned that there are so many opportunities out there for me... I can't say yet that I have been enjoying the single life, I forgot how lonely it could be at times but I know that with time all wounds heal. I am learning to be selfish again, I know that might sound crazy but I focused so much on making other people happy that I forgot to make myself happy. I put a lot of my dreams and hopes on hold and revolved my life around this person that I loved so much. I compromised my relationship with my Heavenly Father but have found that he still loves me and wants to me come back to him and to rely on him for help and guidance. This is a road I never want to return to and I have set goals in my mind that I will not return to it. The most important thing I have learned through this is that family is number 1 no matter what!! Everyone has helped me through this journey and given me words of advice. They have all loved me unconditionally and have been there to lend me their shoulders to cry on. Life is never exactly what you want it to be, and I hope from all of this that I can learn from my mistakes and better myself. Thanks to everyone that has helped me through all of this, I love you all!!

Guess What?!?!

I'm getting MARRIED in 11 days!! I'm SO excited!!





I love him... He's so dreamy!