Gratitude

Hola!! It's been quite a while since I was on here last, I'm a slacker I know, but nothing exciting ever happens!! I just wanted to take some time out of my day (as I sit here bored at work) to tell everyone that reads this how grateful I am for you. I had the opportunity to give a talk in church on counting your blessings. The entire week I thought about what I was going to get up and say, it made me really nervous to be honest... When I heard the topic I thought to myself, "Self!!" (that was for you mom and tara), no but really I thought that it was going to be super easy to come up with stuff for that subject. But alas, it was not... I started to think about the things that were the most important to me in my life and the two that popped into my head time and time again was family and the gospel. I had a discussion with a friend of mine out here in Tucson and she made a good point, it's so easy to say that we're grateful for family and the gospel, but why? It really got me thinking, there is a deeper meaning to it... So family and friends that read this I am grateful for you... For being there for me this past year, picking me up when I stumbled and fell along the way and for lending shoulders to cry on and hands when I needed them. Thank you so much for not judging me for the choices I made and for the road I went down. I realized just how lucky I am to have you all in my life, I know that when nothing else seems right in the world that I have amazing people that I can call on and know that they will be there for me. Not every one has that and I hope that in return that you all feel like you can call on me when you need it. I have realized that my life isn't so bad, I had a couple bumps in the road but I'm still alive and happy. I love the holiday season, I love to watch people come together and be harmonious... I have an amazing life and even more amazing people in it... I love you all, thank you so much for being there for me.

Struggling

So, I thought I would post tonight... I'm struggling really bad tonight! In my previous post I mentioned that I had my good days and bad days, too... Unfortunately, tonight is one of those bad ones. I know that time heals all wounds, but I am going to be completely honest I don't know if this wound will ever heal... I know that my relationship with Wes didn't work for a reason but there is still a part of me that yearns for that companionship in him again, to be able to have my best friend back... There are a lot of people out there that will say he wasn't a good guy, but I saw past those "flaws" and loved him despite of them... He was a good man and yes there were some things that happened that weren't good but that didn't make him a bad guy... Tonight is one of those nights that I want things to be the way they were a year ago, I want to be able to come home to him and look forward to something... This too shall pass, I know it's just a hard road.

Blessings in disguise...

So there have been a lot of changes going on in my life the last couple months... First my wedding got called off (not once, but twice), I moved twice, have been looking for a job and a car and a few other things... I was really depressed and lonely all the time. All I really wanted was for things to be the way they were a year ago, I wanted to be married to the man I loved more than anything... I wanted to be moving to Idaho with him and experiencing all those things that we had planned together... Right now, my life motto is, "life is never what you expect it to be." I felt like I had it all figured out there for a while, I found someone that I thought I was in love with and was making life plans with him... I recently moved to Tucson with my Mom and Step-Dad and I can honestly say that the move was hard at first but I have learned to move on... I still have my bad days but they are few and far between. I still cry sometimes when I think back to the way things were, but I'm learning that those tears aren't worth it anymore. I have started to discover who I am again, I have learned to focus on myself and not on someone who doesn't appreciate me for me... I'm starting to be back to my old self, with some changes too!! I went to the singles ward institute on Wednesday night and we were talking about love and lust and the differences between the two. The teacher was referencing a talk from the Ensign and there was one particular part that really stood out to me, "sometimes lust is mistaken for true love." I realized that this is so true. Don't get me wrong, I loved Wes and still do but I look back on our relationship and we had absolutely nothing in common and couldn't for the life of us get along or agree on anything. I just hope that the next time I put myself out there for another man that it is true love and that he will love me for me and not try to change me because there is something that he may not like. When you love someone you love them for who they are and even those things that drive you a little bonkers you still love those quirks about them. I can't wait to find that someone out there, I know he's waiting for me just as I am waiting for him... Until then!!

Update...

So life took me down a completely different road than I ever thought I would go down... Wes and I called the wedding off 5 days before. Things have been rough the last month. I keep thinking to myself I had it all figured out and everything seemed to be going as planned, I learned some really big lessons through all of this. Life throws you curve balls sometimes and you find that you weren't necessarily prepared for them. I have to say that it hasn't been easy trying to move on and at times I catch myself hoping that maybe something drastic will happen and things will be completely different. I have never felt the type of hurt I have experienced with this situation before and I will be honest I wouldn't wish the hurt and pain even on my worst enemy. There have been times that I've felt like it would be easier to just give up on everything and curl up in a ball and hide. But, from all this I have also learned that there are so many opportunities out there for me... I can't say yet that I have been enjoying the single life, I forgot how lonely it could be at times but I know that with time all wounds heal. I am learning to be selfish again, I know that might sound crazy but I focused so much on making other people happy that I forgot to make myself happy. I put a lot of my dreams and hopes on hold and revolved my life around this person that I loved so much. I compromised my relationship with my Heavenly Father but have found that he still loves me and wants to me come back to him and to rely on him for help and guidance. This is a road I never want to return to and I have set goals in my mind that I will not return to it. The most important thing I have learned through this is that family is number 1 no matter what!! Everyone has helped me through this journey and given me words of advice. They have all loved me unconditionally and have been there to lend me their shoulders to cry on. Life is never exactly what you want it to be, and I hope from all of this that I can learn from my mistakes and better myself. Thanks to everyone that has helped me through all of this, I love you all!!

Guess What?!?!

I'm getting MARRIED in 11 days!! I'm SO excited!!





I love him... He's so dreamy!

Happy Birthday Wesley

This is the very first picture I ever saw of Wes... I didn't know at the time that this would be the man I would spend the rest of my life with and eventually we will make it for time and all eternity.

I wanted to give him a special little shout out for his birthday... I know I am a couple days late but I figure, better late than never...

Wesley,
I love you more than words can express, life with you in it is more amazing than I ever could have imagined. There is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful for having you in my life by my side. You make me smile when no one else can... Every time I look at you I fall in love with you a little more. I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as I love you. You have put up with me, through the good and bad. You have been my rock and shoulder to cry on when I needed it the most. You never judge me and have always excepted me for me. Thank you so much for all the love and support you show me on a daily basis. I can't wait to see what life has in store for us together. I will always be by your side, hand in hand, we will walk through life and face everything together, as one. Happy birthday baby cakes!! I love you so so so much!! Here's to the first and the many to come.

Love,
Sugar

Tis the Season...

I love Christmas time!! It's my favorite... Just wanted to tell everyone how much I love you and you all mean the world to me!! I hope every one has a wonderful holiday season!!

Love,
-Jen & Wes