Struggling

So, I thought I would post tonight... I'm struggling really bad tonight! In my previous post I mentioned that I had my good days and bad days, too... Unfortunately, tonight is one of those bad ones. I know that time heals all wounds, but I am going to be completely honest I don't know if this wound will ever heal... I know that my relationship with Wes didn't work for a reason but there is still a part of me that yearns for that companionship in him again, to be able to have my best friend back... There are a lot of people out there that will say he wasn't a good guy, but I saw past those "flaws" and loved him despite of them... He was a good man and yes there were some things that happened that weren't good but that didn't make him a bad guy... Tonight is one of those nights that I want things to be the way they were a year ago, I want to be able to come home to him and look forward to something... This too shall pass, I know it's just a hard road.

Blessings in disguise...

So there have been a lot of changes going on in my life the last couple months... First my wedding got called off (not once, but twice), I moved twice, have been looking for a job and a car and a few other things... I was really depressed and lonely all the time. All I really wanted was for things to be the way they were a year ago, I wanted to be married to the man I loved more than anything... I wanted to be moving to Idaho with him and experiencing all those things that we had planned together... Right now, my life motto is, "life is never what you expect it to be." I felt like I had it all figured out there for a while, I found someone that I thought I was in love with and was making life plans with him... I recently moved to Tucson with my Mom and Step-Dad and I can honestly say that the move was hard at first but I have learned to move on... I still have my bad days but they are few and far between. I still cry sometimes when I think back to the way things were, but I'm learning that those tears aren't worth it anymore. I have started to discover who I am again, I have learned to focus on myself and not on someone who doesn't appreciate me for me... I'm starting to be back to my old self, with some changes too!! I went to the singles ward institute on Wednesday night and we were talking about love and lust and the differences between the two. The teacher was referencing a talk from the Ensign and there was one particular part that really stood out to me, "sometimes lust is mistaken for true love." I realized that this is so true. Don't get me wrong, I loved Wes and still do but I look back on our relationship and we had absolutely nothing in common and couldn't for the life of us get along or agree on anything. I just hope that the next time I put myself out there for another man that it is true love and that he will love me for me and not try to change me because there is something that he may not like. When you love someone you love them for who they are and even those things that drive you a little bonkers you still love those quirks about them. I can't wait to find that someone out there, I know he's waiting for me just as I am waiting for him... Until then!!

Update...

So life took me down a completely different road than I ever thought I would go down... Wes and I called the wedding off 5 days before. Things have been rough the last month. I keep thinking to myself I had it all figured out and everything seemed to be going as planned, I learned some really big lessons through all of this. Life throws you curve balls sometimes and you find that you weren't necessarily prepared for them. I have to say that it hasn't been easy trying to move on and at times I catch myself hoping that maybe something drastic will happen and things will be completely different. I have never felt the type of hurt I have experienced with this situation before and I will be honest I wouldn't wish the hurt and pain even on my worst enemy. There have been times that I've felt like it would be easier to just give up on everything and curl up in a ball and hide. But, from all this I have also learned that there are so many opportunities out there for me... I can't say yet that I have been enjoying the single life, I forgot how lonely it could be at times but I know that with time all wounds heal. I am learning to be selfish again, I know that might sound crazy but I focused so much on making other people happy that I forgot to make myself happy. I put a lot of my dreams and hopes on hold and revolved my life around this person that I loved so much. I compromised my relationship with my Heavenly Father but have found that he still loves me and wants to me come back to him and to rely on him for help and guidance. This is a road I never want to return to and I have set goals in my mind that I will not return to it. The most important thing I have learned through this is that family is number 1 no matter what!! Everyone has helped me through this journey and given me words of advice. They have all loved me unconditionally and have been there to lend me their shoulders to cry on. Life is never exactly what you want it to be, and I hope from all of this that I can learn from my mistakes and better myself. Thanks to everyone that has helped me through all of this, I love you all!!

Guess What?!?!

I'm getting MARRIED in 11 days!! I'm SO excited!!





I love him... He's so dreamy!

Happy Birthday Wesley

This is the very first picture I ever saw of Wes... I didn't know at the time that this would be the man I would spend the rest of my life with and eventually we will make it for time and all eternity.

I wanted to give him a special little shout out for his birthday... I know I am a couple days late but I figure, better late than never...

Wesley,
I love you more than words can express, life with you in it is more amazing than I ever could have imagined. There is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful for having you in my life by my side. You make me smile when no one else can... Every time I look at you I fall in love with you a little more. I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as I love you. You have put up with me, through the good and bad. You have been my rock and shoulder to cry on when I needed it the most. You never judge me and have always excepted me for me. Thank you so much for all the love and support you show me on a daily basis. I can't wait to see what life has in store for us together. I will always be by your side, hand in hand, we will walk through life and face everything together, as one. Happy birthday baby cakes!! I love you so so so much!! Here's to the first and the many to come.

Love,
Sugar

Tis the Season...

I love Christmas time!! It's my favorite... Just wanted to tell everyone how much I love you and you all mean the world to me!! I hope every one has a wonderful holiday season!!

Love,
-Jen & Wes

Thanksgiving...

Wes and I were able to make it to Cottonwood to have Thanksgiving at Mom's house... We had a blast there were lots of people there!! (Elmo, Mom, Tara, Will, Landon, Tristan, Avery, Emily, Ryan, Joey, Ryans daughter {I forget her name}, Victor, Kevin, Shane, Shawn, Wes and myself) There was definitely a house full of people!!

Thursday afternoon Wes wanted to go for a drive, originally he wanted to go to Sedona but I thought he would like Jerome more... So off we went, and he was like a kid in a candy store!! He loved it up there!! He was driving, and kept looking around yelling out, "Babe, look at that!!", and, "This is so cool!!" I loved every minute of watching him look around and be absolutely mesmerized by everything up there!! He wants to go back sometime and "explore", so eventually we will do that!! We found this little spot that had like a man-made waterfall and stairs and it was so green and pretty!! We stood there and looked around and just enjoyed the view!! Wes had to head back to the valley to work for Black Friday, luckily he was able to get off early enough to come back out to Cottonwood later that evening... He told me he wanted to go back up to Jerome so we could take some pictures... After he got into town we got ready and took Deanna up there with us to take some pics...

We walked around and he told me he really wanted to go up to that spot again and get some pictures there, and after we took a couple he got down on one knee and proposed!! I had no idea at all!! So, yeah... Now begins the planning!! I'm so excited!! I love you Wesley...

(My ring, I know it's not a great picture... But, you get it...)

Thanks to the family for a great Thanksgiving weekend!!